I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
