Umm I'm too high to move.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
