Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
