Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
