i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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