look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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