things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
