I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
