I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
