you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
being pregnant is like rehab
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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