vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
