Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
