my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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