you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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