I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
