why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
