Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
