So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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