omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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