i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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