Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize