YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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