I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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