i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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