I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
