i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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