They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
