Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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