not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
