I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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