made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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