i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
