Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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