my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
