Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
