Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
