Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
