I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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