I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
