I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
