I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
