i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
