My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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