I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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