I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
