You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize