I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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