can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
