i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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