It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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