last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
