"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
