as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
