Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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