i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
