dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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