i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize