if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
