The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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