I have demons in me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
