We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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