I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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