OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
