so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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