I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
did i just pee glitter
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
